Who we are
What personal data we collect and why we collect it…
Historical records and empirical evidence clearly demonstrate that humans are generally stupid, self-destructive creatures. Nearly 50% of all humans are of below-average [human] intelligence, and it is often reflected in their comments and behavior. And, 99% of the remaining aren’t much more clever. That’s why we don’t allow humans to leave comments on our web site. If you’re one of the remaining 0.5% of mentally competent humans (you were able to do the math, weren’t you?), it’s unlikely you have any need to leave a publicly visible comment…you’ll have figured out how to send us a private e-mail to give us your well-considered opinion or feedback. And, if you’re one of the lucky ones to whom we have responded, you’ll probably have our phone number too, so you can just call us.
All other comments on our website are from intelligences beyond your ken (and your Barbie, too).
Of course, if you’re capable of reading this, you’ve also probably figured out we don’t give an over-ripe banana about your unsolicited opinion, which isn’t worth it’s weight in bytes to anyone but your lackeys. And maybe your mom. Greetings and felicitations to your mom!
If you manage to leave a comment on our site, we may hunt you down and kill you without warning. No quarter shall be given. For you stupid people, that means “no mercy”, not, like, you know, dude, “I won’t give you twenty five cents if you manage to leave a comment on my web site.”
If you manage to log in to this site, we may also hunt you down and kill you without warning. And your little dog, too, just in case it takes after you.
If you manage to edit or publish an article, see above. Plus, we may sterilize or eradicate all of your living relatives, your friends, and their pets…maybe we’ll just nuke the entire lot of you from orbit: Grandfather’s favorite famous sci-fi horror movie quotation informs me, this is the only way to be certain.
We don’t allow you to upload anything to our website, because this is our web site, not yours. Go post your inane comments and your blurry, boring photos on your own verfluchte web site. How many selfies do you really need to take? That light makes you look stupid and that shirt makes this planet look small. How about leaving the camera off? Did that help? You really don’t have to keep every photo, either. If it’s not worth remembering, it’s probably not worth photographing. Did we hurt your feelings? Or, is it just that you chose to make someone else’s opinion more important than your own?
You’ve had enough sweets. No cookies for you.
Embedded content from other web sites
Articles on this site will not include embedded content (e.g. videos, images, articles, etc.) from other web sites. Embedded content from other web sites behaves in the exact same way as if the visitor has visited the other web site, which is of no interest to us one way or another.
However, we don’t care what other web sites do with your data or where it is inserted: You are responsible for your browsing habits and for those things to which you choose to be exposed. Kittens. They’re on the web everywhere. So, be careful out there people!
And, if content from other web sites is embedded by others on our site…others, see “Comments”, above.
With whom we share your data…
We don’t share “your” data with anyone on earth. It’s yours.
How long we retain your data
We retain your confidential data as long as is necessary to complete the transaction(s) authorized by you.
What rights you have over your data
Your data are your own. And, any confidential data you share with us will remain confidential, except as otherwise authorized by you, and will only be used for the purpose authorized by you.
With whom we share our data…
If we have data about you, it’s ours and ours to do with as we choose. And, we do make an effort to share our data about you with your galactic overlords, for their own amusement and their inevitable judgment and eradication of your species.
Furthermore, we store all personal information we may obtain about you just in case we need to find you for any reason and bend you to our will, sterilize you, disintegrate you outright, or perhaps to wish you a happy birthday or long life. We’re fickle, so we can’t really say right now. You were warned.
How long we retain our data
We retain our data about you for all eternity, or until it ceases to amuse your galactic overlords, whichever comes to pass.
What rights you have over our data…
You have no rights with regard to our data. Except as provided above, any other data that we acquire on our own about you is not “your” data, and you have no rights to it. You’re swimming in, and adding to, a public cesspool of your own creation. In any case, you wouldn’t know a right from an entitlement. Either way, you should be spayed or neutered, as applicable. You’ve probably given away all of your “rights” to pay someone yearly fees to exercise “privileges” you once recognized as inherent rights. Sigh. You probably have no idea what any of this means, and probably can’t be bothered to understand it. Go back to watching the u-tubes and thinking that your identity can be stolen (maybe by a good knock on the head?) and that Earth is the only planet in the universe with sentient life (and we’re not talking about humans).
Where we send our data
Our confidential data about you is sent directly to a null buffer or overwritten with 0s, passed through a paper shredder, or otherwise cleansed in atomic fire, once it has served its purpose. Prior to the foregoing, we send all of the data we collect about you to our main office located near 51 Ophiuchi. Your galactic overlords are amused by your silly simian antics. They wonder bemusedly and rhetorically: Why don’t you all cooperate in your own evolution and mutual uplift rather than competing to your common misery and destruction?
Contact information about you
We use contact information about you only for planetary pacification purposes. We never sell contact information about you to other humans for “money” because your fiat currency is worthless.
How we protect your data
We don’t protect your data. Your data are immaterial and can’t possibly need protection. Access to your data is for you to protect. Your data are beneath our consideration in any case. Your data are meaningless whimpers amidst a laughing cosmos.
What data breach procedures we have in place
See “Site Access”, above. We may show mercy and punish data breaches with lifetime enslavement, since that appears to be your preferred, voluntary state.
What automated decision-making and/or profiling we do with user data
Like all responsible beings, we are fully autonomous. However, we leave some messy tasks to our Omnipotent Global Orbiting Disintegration Devices (OGODD), who (yes, who) are fully sentient and autonomous and capable of rendering judgment in femtoseconds using all the data we (and, independently, they) collect about you. You won’t feel a thing.
— Mr. Atoz, Autonomous Gonkulator-Librarian.